Dear Heart to Heart, I am 32 years old and have been married for four years. Problem is, my husband tells me that he feels more relaxed at his workplace since when he comes back home, he gets loaded with household responsibilities. I am a stay-at-home mother and I need some time for myself as well. What is wrong if I expect him to look after the children once in a while? Also, every progressive couple shares household responsibilities and so should we. How should I explain this to him? Anonymous
Phoebe Miriam. It is your duty as a stay-at-home mother to make your home comfortable and peaceful for your husband. Stop asking your husband to do chores. His work is to provide food and necessities and also pay bills. You are slowly driving the man away from home and soon he will be searching for another woman who can make him happy. Homes are built on the wisdom of women and by foolishness they are destroyed. That mentality of wanting your husband to handle chores after work has torn a number of homes apart and you should avoid it if you want your marriage to last.
Jingo Douglas. A happy man will even rush from office to go home and spend time with his family. Talk to your husband and ask him what you are doing right and what you need to change before he totally loses interest in you and starts looking for another woman. If he is fulfilling his duties of providing for you and the children, let him be and find ways of easing your load as well.
Fred Wamalwa. If he boldly told you that he prefers his workplace to his home then there is something very wrong. Sit down with your husband and have a discussion before things get out of control.
Adeola Onitolo. Patience, understanding and perseverance will do wonders. Your personal mannerism needs to be examined critically to know where the problem emanates. If you are not a troublous woman, your precious husband will not be a runaway husband overnight. I think you should involve family members who can act as mediators between the two of you so that they help you come to an amicable solution.
Nampa Patience Natie. Maybe he feels that it is your responsibility as a stay-at-home mother to carry out all the house duties. Best way to go about this is to sit down with him and talk over that issue. Both of you will express how you feel and will find a solution together.
Joseph Oloo. If you are interested in keeping your marriage and making it a happy one, then you must know that you are a wife and not a workmate to your husband. Make your husband feel comfortable at home after work than his office. If not, then know that you are training him on how to acquire a mistress with whom he will feel comfortable. Do not come back crying and telling us how your husband has gone out with other women.
Rene Clare. Create a peaceful environment and home and you will see him starting to come home on time.
Moses Earthe. That person who gave you advice that you should force your husband to wash plates at home will laugh at you when you finally become single. Learn to look after your home than watching what others are doing.
Kogere Immaculate. Being a mother is a lifetime job. Therefore, the best way to handle the situation is to come up with ways to get some free time for yourself as well. How about asking family members to look after the children once in a while?
Anne Muhawe. A stay-at-home mother is expected to do the house chores since your husband also gets tired at office the whole day. You may try getting a house maid to assist you.
Ones Jonath. Although a progressive couple should share work at home, you should not force your husband to do so.
Alieli Bosco. May be you nag him when he comes back from work and don’t appreciate his effort. Sometimes it is better to let the man be and with time, he will start helping you on his own.
Jos Ethan. The problem is that most men are raised with the mentality that they are kings who are supposed to be looked after. Parents must teach all children, including boys that doing house chores is normal and helping your wife is also normal.
Andrew Juma Chisale. I do not think you love each other and I guess your approach is not right. You should not treat him as a houseboy but rather your husband.
Fred Daniels. It is unbelievable that a stay-at-home mother wants to be helped with house chores. A man’s role in a home is to provide and not to baby sit you.
Namakula Maria. I hope the man provides them with whatever they need but if he fails in some way or the other, then it means even the woman has failed. Some men think that doing house work is a cup of tea, but if the roles were to be reversed, most would not be able to handle. Do not treat your wives as servants and whenever you can, offer a helping hand.
Counsellor’s say> Ali Male, counselling psychologist at Ato Z counselling services
Discuss the issue with your husband
Dear Anonymous, do not get mad at him if he does not care about the chores. It is great that you care, but he does not have to weigh in on everything. And truthfully, he probably does not want to.
But if you know there are things he would like to give input on, start with those questions to get the ball rolling. If you are ever going to get anywhere with your husband’s communication skills, you need to acknowledge that they are not the same as yours.
The best time to talk about anything on your mind is over dinner when everyone is relaxed and people are not hungry. If you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship or something that happened, avoid using accusatory language and focus on how you feel.
Don’t blame him for your feelings. He did not make you feel that way, although, yes, it will always feel like it is his fault you feel this way. Talk about how you feel, what you think, and how you have experienced the situation and ask him his thoughts. Do not ask him, “why did you do that?” because it sets him up to get defensive. Check yourself as the only way you can deal with any situation.